"Tired"

          It's funny how things are written when I'm feeling bad. Maybe because I know people don't read my blog anymore, and telling others would make them worry?¿ This way, I guess I can always write down everything without causing others trouble. I'm already a big trouble to mummy, daddy, my brothers, my family, my friends, and I'm already a painful person to be with, since then I guess not cauing more trouble or pain is the best way to go. 

          Maybe it seemed small to others. Nothing much, just like a piece of dust that floats around, settles on your skin and flies away as you wave it off in the air. I guess I'm just too sensitive. That one piece of dust had been lingering around for so long, it accumulated and when it falls, it hits me down deep and it makes me shatter. I can't wave it away, I can't get out of it. I only remain stuck until something is done. Maybe if I push it away, it helps me move abit, distract myself with errands, fake a smile, and ignore the feelings for a while. And when it comes back, the cycle repeats, only with the force getting stronger. I had to feel it again, more intensely, because I ignored it last time, when it hurts, it hurts deeper and longer. I can never get myself out of this blackhole. Even if people reached their hands out for me, I will only make it worse and pull them into it. It is indeed a blessing and a curse, to feel everything (EVERYTHING) so very deeply. I'm lost and stuck. Hitting disappointments after disappointments. 

          "Look at others, those people have it worse than you, they have nothing to eat, no clothes to wear, no parents to lean on, no place to live", "Shut up man, don't even try to complain", "You're so blessed with a life, why do you keep doing this, it's like you're insulting them". 

          Yes, I know. I know I have a good circumstance and surrounding. I'm honestly beyond grateful for everything. It is more than enough. I know I'm blessed. 

           It's just that I'm very lost. I feel helpless when it comes to feelings. I just can't stop feeling these emotions. It's funny how a small matter as small as a tiny bit of powder can have such an impact that blows up my world of feelings like a nuclear bomb. I feel so sorry for those who are around me that it is so hard to communicate with me. I just can't express myself properly when it is all so much. It is overwhelming. I feel so overwhelmed that I want to kill myself to stop feeling it. 

         Maybe if I didn't exist, those troubles and wrongs I caused won't exist. Everyone's life would be much much better. There won't be such conflicts. There won't be worries. They can pick up a genuine smile again. Since I'm never good enough, why try? Why do I waste resources? Why not leave it all for others? Let others do better, since I can't do a thing right. The world will surely be a better place. 

           I have no idea how to be a good daughter, a sister, a friend, a person. What's the definition? What's the rules? What's the real way? It doesn't matter anymore. I guess I will never be a good person anyway. If living means making more troubles for others, trying and trying when I know I won't ever be good enough, it's better off that I just leave instead of live. I'm very tired of everything. I'm tired of living without a direction, I'm tired of living in conflicts everyday, I'm tired of seeing people disappointed cause of me, I'm tired trying to prove myself, I'm tired of holding in these heavy feelings, I'm tired of falling and falling deeper, I'm tired of explaining myself when I don't even understand myself. I'm so tired of being lost. I'm so tired of relapsing again and again. I feel like I'm a stranger to myself. I'm really tired. 

          Can I rest forever? Can I let go and not look back? Can I be right for something for once, at least? Can I stop being a nuisance to others already?

          For once I just want to let go. I want to run away and go somewhere that I won't be a nuisance. If I have left, I hope those left will not worry about me. Congratulations, you have eliminated a piece of dust from your life. Your life is now pretty, clean, flawless, and free from troubles. Life goals, ain't it?