Rome was not built in a day. (Neither is death)

I'm truly sick and tired of living. I can't feel anything anymore. I think as I numbed my overwhelming emotions, I lost myself. Empty. A blackhole of nothing. I honestly don't mind if I die right now. Give me pain so I can feel again.

No attachments, no feelings. Other than physical pain which makes me feel a tiny bit alive, I think I am entirely dead inside. What is living, if you don't taste anything in your mouth, you don't feel any emotions, nothing can make you happy nor sad anymore. You start faking your laugh because it is "funny", you start to cry but no tears are falling because it is "sad". I thought being sad or down was the worst but I guess this has no competition.

They say sleep deficiency can kill you. Sleeping late suddenly felt like the steps to silently, gradually, secretly kill myself. What's the point in living, when there's only the physical body left, but the soul, mind and spirit have died and disappeared?

There's no purpose to live anymore. Death is the next purpose, and I think I'm doing well.

"How are you doing?"
"I'm doing well"

Life has its ups and downs, like waves. But there's none in my life anymore. It is just a straight line across.

It's good to be happy. It's bad to be sad. It's the worst to be feeling none.

I don't know when did I die on the inside. I'm pretty sure when I'll die physically, and it's coming soon.

I'm truly grateful that I was once alive. I was loved and I also loved.To all the people who cared for me, thank you. If you are happy, so be it. If you are sad, so be it. Don't ignore or numb your feelings. Don't let your soul die off like mine. I think my soul decided to commit suicide on its own, leaving this empty physical body behind. I didn't even have a proper goodbye or farewell with it. It just... left without notice. I ignored it too much that I had no idea when it left. I hope this empty physical body can still do what it is supposed to do, and then in the end, die a peaceful death.

I'm gone. I was broken and I didn't fix it. I was sad but I ignored it. I was happy but I lost the chance to feel it. I was gone and I can't find it. All that is broken can be fixed, but how do you fix something that is completely gone?


Here's my physical body waving, saying goodbye, and bidding farewell.

When I die, please don't waste your money on my funeral, use that money, go travel, go feel something. Go and do something that makes you feel alive. Cry all you want. Or even laugh all you want. Don't get emotionally attached with this, don't be dead like I am (inside or outside).

Rome was not built in a day. Rome was built brick by brick for a long long time. (not sure how long)
The same goes to death. It is built bit by bit, sleepless nights by sleepless nights. Die a little inside everyday, and in the end... complete death.

As my soul died, all my dreams, hopes and memories died together. I don't dream of anything, I have no hope, I don't remember any memories nor can I create new ones. I used to love some people in my life but I don't know how to love them now. I am sorry, I was never a good daughter, sister, friend, relative, student, employee, person. I can never be one now. Goodbye, my soul, and everyone in my life.