Not again.
We went rafting the other day, I secretly wanted something, some kind accident to happen to me so I could die. I drove very quickly that day. I went 130 km/h, secretly wanted to get hit and die fast and unknowingly. We went to get x-ray for examination of TB infection. I secretly hoped that I got it so I could die off like that and take no responsibility upon my death. I realized how selfish I am when it comes to my own death. I want to die alone and not share it with anyone. Is it my right to choose my death? Sometimes I catch myself laughing from heart, genuinely towards a really lame but authentic 9gag joke. Then, it posed as a tiny glimmer of hope to me that I am able to laugh, finally a true laugh, a real feeling. Before I get to truly grasp at it, it collapsed and disappeared before I could let myself accept it. Sometimes I see young children having innocent gestures and asking out of pure curiosity, and I catch myself smiling at it because I missed how people could be nice ...