Not again.

We went rafting the other day, I secretly wanted something, some kind accident to happen to me so I could die.

I drove very quickly that day. I went 130 km/h, secretly wanted to get hit and die fast and unknowingly.

We went to get x-ray for examination of TB infection. I secretly hoped that I got it so I could die off like that and take no responsibility upon my death.

I realized how selfish I am when it comes to my own death. I want to die alone and not share it with anyone. Is it my right to choose my death?

Sometimes I catch myself laughing from heart, genuinely towards a really lame but authentic 9gag joke. Then, it posed as a tiny glimmer of hope to me that I am able to laugh, finally a true laugh, a real feeling. Before I get to truly grasp at it, it collapsed and disappeared before I could let myself accept it.

Sometimes I see young children having innocent gestures and asking out of pure curiosity, and I catch myself smiling at it because I missed how people could be nice and ignorance is bliss. I would hope that they never grow up to be bitter like this. Or ever feel like dying.

Sometimes as the flashback of traumas pay an unwelcomed visit in my mind, I shed a tear, reminiscing the pain and agony. However, I can never feel the same.

I don't know if I'm tired of feeling anything, or my feelings are tired of me and left. I don't know if I'm tired of living or I'm already dead.

"Do what makes you happy"

What if I tried doing all the things that I was happy doing them, but... I never felt happy doing the same things anymore?

I was happy and contented whenever I get to paint, sew, craft, and those yknow cringey diys. (was.)

What happened!

Tbh I'm desperate to feel again.

It is so meaningless to half-ass everything, faking those feelings, faking that laugh, faking that smile. Working out lies to create "life". When you are dead, you're just pretending to live, and that pretending act is all full of lies.

I lost myself and I think I'm becoming more and more into a stranger, sometimes I even find that I potray the type of characteristics I hated so much.

I really want to die. How ah?