disappointing truths. (I'm so sorry)

How do you tell somebody that you're not feeling okay? 

When you're constantly being told that you are too sad, too depressed, worrying too much, having too much of negativity, living in fear and anxiety.... You find yourself repeating the same pattern, stuck in the same cycle , realizing that sharing about it and pouring it out won't help. In those moments it felt like everything was taken away from you. The ability to feel happiness, or sadness just turns into numb in your fingers and toes and even in your heart. As if you lost all your senses to taste anything. The previous anxiety robbed you off the joy in things you used to enjoy or feel happy doing. 

After that, all you feel is just reluctancy to even say a word. You want to shout and scream but if that doesn't make anything better, why bother trying? Anyone ask you how are you and you're afraid to disappoint people with your truth and what's on your mind, so you just smile and say it's fine. Being so afraid of putting anyone at the stake of your negativity, you decided not to tell anyone about anything anymore. You can't even speak about how you feel. You aren't feeling okay almost all the time and how would you find the courage to tell people that every time they are concerned about you? You only bring disappointment to them as they have became a listener and encouraged you always but nothing seems to work. How do you let someone you care about know how you truly feel and how their efforts were helpless?

If lies could make them happy, and is harmless, why not tell more of lies? Happy little lies. At least your lies are happy. 

Love supposedly helps you to heal, to find the spark in life, to reach out for your purpose, to make you a better person. But the love you have sabotaged makes it draining for you and your partner, and transformed love from a healing medicine into a shot of poison. 

So you push your partner away, because all that you can think about is bringing them them harm and it makes you even worse. You purposely lash out on them so they would hate you and leave before you show your vulnerable self beaten up inside. You leave before they do so you can be the villain and them the victim. You walk away from them because you know that they are better without you. 

This is why it was so difficult for me to speak up. I can't tell you about how I truly feel because I only feel unwell every time. I'm scared honestly to disappoint you when all I feel is not okay. Sure, you did everything to help me feel better but I can't even fight it myself how can your one or two efforts beat the demons inside of me? I don't want to put my emotional burden onto your shoulders because it is not your responsibility for what I feel. I don't want to let you taste this in anyway because you deserve to be carefree and happy and not affected by how I feel any how.

It hurts to see you experience probably 10 episodes of me breaking down out of the blue, no reason, no warnings, no solution. I watch how it drains both you and I and it pains me to see these episodes taking away the smile from your face. How can I witness more of that happening? I don't know how long more of a battle I'm fighting and how far I can go after being defeated every time. I don't know how much more of episodes I will get. I don't know how long is the journey or where am I going. I only know that you don't deserve this pressure, this burden, this challenge. I don't want to be dragged down and me dragging you along. I'd rather fight it myself , on my own, and if I am being dragged down, I would prefer it to be myself.

I don't want to say "I love you" and all I bring is tears to your eyes, and frowns in your forehead. I don't want to watch my so called "love" for you drains you of your energy and your excitement. I don't want to watch myself fail every time when I try to fight what I'm feeling, even after you gave me encouragement and motivation. I don't want to witness destruction between us that I catalysed with my emotions. I don't want what I can't control to consume you because your were close to me. I don't want to be loved and make it a burden to anyone close to me. I don't want to just hit you with storms and bad days everyday when you deserve some sunshine and rainbows.

To be utterly honest, I felt like I was the most toxic person. I see you laughing and enjoying the times with everybody else, and I would wonder to myself, if I could make you smile in joy just like them. But all I did was take that away. I felt like you deserved someone better, someone who could be at least better at handling their emotions, someone who can put a smile to your face every time, someone who can make your bad days better and the good days brighter.  I know you're tired of convincing me and reassuring me all the time, trying to earn my trust or a smile. It is emptying you of you and I'm tired to see that happen too.

I'm exactly the opposite of what you deserve. And it is so selfish of me to let you hold on to me and me holding on to my insecurities and fear and worries and the unresolved issues. I need push you away so you won't be stained with these dark thoughts in me. I need to push you away before you become a victim of my emotions. I need to figure it out on my own and not let any of me from getting in your way to be someone happy. 

You tell me that you are happy with me. I have to apologize that I can't believe it because I don't think anything of me makes anybody happy. It's so impossible to me. I can't get out of this perspective because for me, it felt like you're telling me that you see rainbows while I dragged you into a horibble hurricane. I'm not a person worth loving, or worth your attention and time. And I feel like I can never do anything to be worth it. Maybe my efforts weren't enough to get myself out of this black hole but honestly I am so tired of trying and tired of letting me let you down when it doesn't work out. See, this goes on and on, a cycle, that only makes you emptier every round. I don't deserve your kindness and sincerity because I think you could've given it to others and they make it better. And when you gave me anything I just turned them into ashes and tears and I only make it worse. I don't know what battle am I fighting, what am I fighting for, why am I fighting , or how can I continue to fight, I only know that I'm defeated and I lost too many times and I'm tired.