i ' m . s o . t i r e d

I cannot quite grasp what is really living life anymore. Nothing is normal. Normal is just a defined condition with constant changes and constant redefinitions. 

Is it normal to feel empty as everything makes a little less sense every passing day? Are my days supposed to be just waking up, brushing my teeth, eating breakfast, prepare lunch, eating lunch, doing my assignments, scrolling mindlessly on the phone, preparing dinner, taking a shower, eating dinner, eating my supplements and brushing my teeth and going to sleep? And nothing beyond that? 

I don't know if it's the hormones causing the chaotic mess in my head or some bad news decided to show up some days and just hit my head, or just I am more easily sad and unhappy than I can be happy. My eyes resonated with the rainy days and my mind was full of the dark fluffy but heavy clouds. 

I miss going out for a walk while listening to some music. I miss being happy from just taking some time alone to do what I enjoy doing, such as sewing, crafting, or even cooking maybe. But I don't really have the ability to enjoy any of it no more, it felt so heavy as if the things that once lifted me has became an anchor and pulling me down into the depths of the ocean. I understand that bad things happen and life's full of ups and downs. I really have the awareness and I'm conscious of it. I am not being miserable that bad things happen to me and I really do know everyone had those. It's just that the emptiness is a gravitating force that never left. It was what kept me grounded but also what kept me stuck. 

I think im just very tired. In terms of emotions, physically and even spiritually. Tired of myself being this way. Tired of the constant bombardment of bad news. Tired of trying to tell other people how I feel but I can't exactly spell it out. Tired of pleasing other people when my needs aren't met. Tired of putting the emotions in words when all I have to do is feel them. Tired of being stuck and have a deadly life. Tired of convincing myself I'm good enough when I clearly aren't. Tired of pretending I'm fine after telling some vulnerable stories from the deepest darkest corners of my heart to anyone. Tired of facing people who I can't connect with. Tired of trying to connect with those who never opened their minds for anyone. Tired of pretending I'm a strong, independent girl who knows what she is doing when I'm all a mess inside. Tired of people and life. 

I don't know if you can grow and heal at the same time. I don't think I have the ability to. 

Maybe it's the menstruation hormones kicking in. Maybe it's what I am essentially. Maybe it's embedded in the codes of my cells. Maybe it's what I learned to be to adapt to everything. So welcome to another "I'm tired" post. 

Maybe I just needed rest and find a closure for me to let go of this. I don't know who I can even talk to, not because I can't trust anyone but I just don't think I should be wasting anyone's time. 

I'm just so tired to even try healing or even change. I don't know how long this "rut" will last. I want a little more sense and maybe some compassion. I don't know. 

I just can't stand how it's all about assignments and money and other people. I don't think life should be that way. But I have no idea what passion and interest is for the moment. As if God has muted all channels for me and I can't see anything. My eyes are wide open but they aren't seeing anything. My ears are perfectly functional but nothing can be listened. I breathe like normal but I smell nothing. I taste emptiness at all times. 

I'm so tired of this and I have no idea what to do.