sigh

I'm not sure if it's the time of the month again, or it is just a quite serious issue I'm having internally. 

It's so hard to open up to anyone cause I can't put it in words and yet it is all too heavy for me to carry it on my own. I don't know how to even talk to express it to the closest friends or even boyfriend or whoever it is. It seemed like there won't be any way they can possibly understand. 

I guess it's even more lonelier in a relationship than being single. Family, friends, romantic relationship. What is love even? 

So here I am sobbing on my own in the dark room, 3.30am , holding back any sound as I am worried it will make anyone else in the house notice. But the truth is, I have no idea how to just release so much that is trapped inside. I have no idea how long it has been like this and perhaps the emotions I kept suppressing all the while has caught on. There flows a sourness in my heart, and even a numbness in my jaw as I let out whispering cries. 

This is normal I guess. PMS? "Just get over it " 

Well I can't and I apologize for that. I'm sorry I can't hold back but yet I can't speak up about it. 

Whenever I let my true emotions out or just speaking up how I truly feel, bad things happen. She would think I am criticising. He would take it personally and an anger boils within. They will see me as probably weird or seeking for attention. I wish I could just say what I truly feel without a thousand worries, without being judged. Is it wrong for me to feel so intensely? Am I sensitive and what's wrong about it?

It's an extreme on /off switch where I don't feel sad, I just shatter. I can't be happy but I just get high. Am I a manic? I don't know. My eyes hurt from all the tears and typing on my phone in the dark. And as usual, nobody reads this so no one knows I cried like a baby except super silently, and it took me an hour of crying to be tired. 

I just hope I won't have this so frequently in the future. I hope people would understand no just through what was said but also what wasn't. The silence between the lines, are cries for help. 

Perhaps, I haven't found the one that could understand without me trying so hard and me regretting right after. The one that can be where I seek refuge. the one that opens more when I open up. I don't know how to be safely emotionally naked to anyone. Perhaps I don't deserve to be involved in a romantic relationship.i don't even deserve love cause I can't even be vulnerable at all. 

Because in my emotional weather, it never rain but pours. 

I'm so tired of this.