b.x.

 I don't want to live a life just based on endless consumptions of whatever the media/ society/ 7% of the wealthiest people in the world feed me with.  I don't want to scroll Instagram where 99% of the posts are just "ads" that influencers create to fertilize and catalyze the era of "CONSUMPTION".  I don't want to make my decisions based on only "influences" of other people for me to want or need something to complete my life.  I don't want to be influenced to think that I am incomplete, I am imperfect, and I need a certain object to make myself feel whole.  I don't want to live in a world where we are judged by how much we own, what we own or how we appear in social media.  I don't want to live in a society where people only do certain actions to give a specific impression, to gain a certain reaction from others.  ____________ I want to live a life so fulfilled, that it is painted by the wonderful colours of what it already has, an...

I'm not sure if it's the time of the month again, or it is just a quite serious issue I'm having internally.  It's so hard to open up to anyone cause I can't put it in words and yet it is all too heavy for me to carry it on my own. I don't know how to even talk to express it to the closest friends or even boyfriend or whoever it is. It seemed like there won't be any way they can possibly understand.  I guess it's even more lonelier in a relationship than being single. Family, friends, romantic relationship. What is love even?  So here I am sobbing on my own in the dark room, 3.30am , holding back any sound as I am worried it will make anyone else in the house notice. But the truth is, I have no idea how to just release so much that is trapped inside. I have no idea how long it has been like this and perhaps the emotions I kept suppressing all the while has caught on. There flows a sourness in my heart, and even a numbness in my jaw as I let out whisperin...

I cannot quite grasp what is really living life anymore. Nothing is normal. Normal is just a defined condition with constant changes and constant redefinitions.  Is it normal to feel empty as everything makes a little less sense every passing day? Are my days supposed to be just waking up, brushing my teeth, eating breakfast, prepare lunch, eating lunch, doing my assignments, scrolling mindlessly on the phone, preparing dinner, taking a shower, eating dinner, eating my supplements and brushing my teeth and going to sleep? And nothing beyond that?  I don't know if it's the hormones causing the chaotic mess in my head or some bad news decided to show up some days and just hit my head, or just I am more easily sad and unhappy than I can be happy. My eyes resonated with the rainy days and my mind was full of the dark fluffy but heavy clouds.  I miss going out for a walk while listening to some music. I miss being happy from just taking some time alone to do what I...