b.x.

 I don't want to live a life just based on endless consumptions of whatever the media/ society/ 7% of the wealthiest people in the world feed me with.  I don't want to scroll Instagram where 99% of the posts are just "ads" that influencers create to fertilize and catalyze the era of "CONSUMPTION".  I don't want to make my decisions based on only "influences" of other people for me to want or need something to complete my life.  I don't want to be influenced to think that I am incomplete, I am imperfect, and I need a certain object to make myself feel whole.  I don't want to live in a world where we are judged by how much we own, what we own or how we appear in social media.  I don't want to live in a society where people only do certain actions to give a specific impression, to gain a certain reaction from others.  ____________ I want to live a life so fulfilled, that it is painted by the wonderful colours of what it already has, an

I'm not sure if it's the time of the month again, or it is just a quite serious issue I'm having internally.  It's so hard to open up to anyone cause I can't put it in words and yet it is all too heavy for me to carry it on my own. I don't know how to even talk to express it to the closest friends or even boyfriend or whoever it is. It seemed like there won't be any way they can possibly understand.  I guess it's even more lonelier in a relationship than being single. Family, friends, romantic relationship. What is love even?  So here I am sobbing on my own in the dark room, 3.30am , holding back any sound as I am worried it will make anyone else in the house notice. But the truth is, I have no idea how to just release so much that is trapped inside. I have no idea how long it has been like this and perhaps the emotions I kept suppressing all the while has caught on. There flows a sourness in my heart, and even a numbness in my jaw as I let out whisperin

I cannot quite grasp what is really living life anymore. Nothing is normal. Normal is just a defined condition with constant changes and constant redefinitions.  Is it normal to feel empty as everything makes a little less sense every passing day? Are my days supposed to be just waking up, brushing my teeth, eating breakfast, prepare lunch, eating lunch, doing my assignments, scrolling mindlessly on the phone, preparing dinner, taking a shower, eating dinner, eating my supplements and brushing my teeth and going to sleep? And nothing beyond that?  I don't know if it's the hormones causing the chaotic mess in my head or some bad news decided to show up some days and just hit my head, or just I am more easily sad and unhappy than I can be happy. My eyes resonated with the rainy days and my mind was full of the dark fluffy but heavy clouds.  I miss going out for a walk while listening to some music. I miss being happy from just taking some time alone to do what I enjoy

How do you tell somebody that you're not feeling okay?  When you're constantly being told that you are too sad, too depressed, worrying too much, having too much of negativity, living in fear and anxiety.... You find yourself repeating the same pattern, stuck in the same cycle , realizing that sharing about it and pouring it out won't help. In those moments it felt like everything was taken away from you. The ability to feel happiness, or sadness just turns into numb in your fingers and toes and even in your heart. As if you lost all your senses to taste anything. The previous anxiety robbed you off the joy in things you used to enjoy or feel happy doing.  After that, all you feel is just reluctancy to even say a word. You want to shout and scream but if that doesn't make anything better, why bother trying? Anyone ask you how are you and you're afraid to disappoint people with your truth and what's on your mind, so you just smile and say it's fine. Being s

We live in a world where love is about bodies slammed upon bodies. In this era of social media, love is tagging each other on pictures, love is about sending each other memes, laughing at cute animal videos, watching movies together. Love is about stripping naked, undressing each other and dive right into the bed and touching each other beneath the covers. Love is about going on fancy dinners while each others' faces are lit up from the lights of the never ending Instagram feed on our smartphones. Love is sending snaps, posts, stories, texts back and forth. Love is about video calling and taking screenshots, just being there "with" each other. Love is about holding each others' hands in public then grabbing our own phones whilst nobody is looking.  How would you describe love? Some say it is just a feeling, an emotion. Some say it is the meaning of life, and without it, there is no purpose to live. Some say that it is just an ideology for commercial pu

Yknow it just feels like I can't do anything right I can't even take care of a newly purchased item I cant even take care of myself I can't even take care of my emotions I can't take care of my relationship with anyone My family My friends My bf I know clearly that the only thing constant in this world is change. Every single thing in this world is subjected to change is prone to changes Our feelings for someone changes. Someone's feelings for us would change. People change Times change Eras change The earth changes Everything changes You can be excited for an event all you want And it can changes into nothing seconds before it starts You can be all hopeful seeing someone after a long time And he/she can bail and call it off minutes before you meet him/her. You might have poured out your heart and soul into someone And no matter how much he /she seemed to care about you or show their concern It may change One day you find yourself speaking to s

Chapter 1  Announcement "MinEn: Congrats oh @buxsy @yiijing! 🎇" A notification popped out of the blue and my phone buzzed. I wonder what it was, why is she congratulating me and YJ for no reason. Then another screenshot appeared.  On the list of 20 people, 4 familiar names appeared. Kit Wing, Yi Fan, Yii Jing, and mine. I couldn't believe my eyes and looked down the list, again and again, searching for two names. To my disappointment, their names were not found. As the student council of MBT, not even Asther could be shortlisted. And for Tuck Hou, it has always been the name in my head, no matter where I go.  I was supposed to be feeling lucky and grateful that I got into the selection for the voyage. Sounds so great, where all of it was sponsored and the only thing to pay was the visa and the expenses on food in Xiamen, China. But every "Congratulations" that came to my ears sting and felt like grains of salt on my wound. At first, it soun