b.x.

 “An individual with multiple personalities can change their body chemistry with their thoughts.”  (Dr. Karen Fletcher, Kevin's psychologist) Revealed in the quote above, Split is a thought-provoking film about mental health. As an introduction,  Split is a horror-thriller film starring James McAvoy, Anya Taylor-Joy, Betty Buckley and more . Premiered in the annual film festival, “Fantastic Fest” on 26 th of September, 2016, it was released under Universal Pictures in the United States on 20 th of January, 2017 ( Hoffman, 2016 ). This film was a brainchild of M. Night Shyamalan, a director, producer, writer, as well as actor for multiple popular films such as The Sixth Sense (1999), Unbreakable (2000), and Signs (2002). As it is directed and written by M. Night Shyamalan, Split bears the special characteristics of his films; Split was filled with contemporary supernatural, horror, mysterious elements, all heading to a surprise twist in the ending. Furthermo...

We went rafting the other day, I secretly wanted something, some kind accident to happen to me so I could die. I drove very quickly that day. I went 130 km/h, secretly wanted to get hit and die fast and unknowingly. We went to get x-ray for examination of TB infection. I secretly hoped that I got it so I could die off like that and take no responsibility upon my death. I realized how selfish I am when it comes to my own death. I want to die alone and not share it with anyone. Is it my right to choose my death? Sometimes I catch myself laughing from heart, genuinely towards a really lame but authentic 9gag joke. Then, it posed as a tiny glimmer of hope to me that I am able to laugh, finally a true laugh, a real feeling. Before I get to truly grasp at it, it collapsed and disappeared before I could let myself accept it. Sometimes I see young children having innocent gestures and asking out of pure curiosity, and I catch myself smiling at it because I missed how people could be nice ...

I'm truly sick and tired of living. I can't feel anything anymore. I think as I numbed my overwhelming emotions, I lost myself. Empty. A blackhole of nothing. I honestly don't mind if I die right now. Give me pain so I can feel again. No attachments, no feelings. Other than physical pain which makes me feel a tiny bit alive, I think I am entirely dead inside. What is living, if you don't taste anything in your mouth, you don't feel any emotions, nothing can make you happy nor sad anymore. You start faking your laugh because it is "funny", you start to cry but no tears are falling because it is "sad". I thought being sad or down was the worst but I guess this has no competition. They say sleep deficiency can kill you. Sleeping late suddenly felt like the steps to silently, gradually, secretly kill myself. What's the point in living, when there's only the physical body left, but the soul, mind and spirit have died and disappeared? The...

I dreamt of mummy ,daddy, da Yee, and myself, something related to yeye and car accidents. It made me woke up crying like shit. Why can it be so scary and depressing? It hurts a lot but I don't know how it came. I don't know how to feel. It just hurts a lot. It's very emotionally painful that I want to kill myself. It reminded me of that dream where I got molested by an uncle because of my dress and nobody believed it, not even my parents and I woke up crying in my car. I've never felt so helpless and hopeless before. Dreams, please don't wish for them to come true. It haven't happened but it can hurt so real and so intensely already. I died again inside, today afternoon.

          It's funny how things are written when I'm feeling bad. Maybe because I know people don't read my blog anymore, and telling others would make them worry?¿ This way, I guess I can always write down everything without causing others trouble. I'm already a big trouble to mummy, daddy, my brothers, my family, my friends, and I'm already a painful person to be with, since then I guess not cauing more trouble or pain is the best way to go.            Maybe it seemed small to others. Nothing much, just like a piece of dust that floats around, settles on your skin and flies away as you wave it off in the air. I guess I'm just too sensitive. That one piece of dust had been lingering around for so long, it accumulated and when it falls, it hits me down deep and it makes me shatter. I can't wave it away, I can't get out of it. I only remain stuck until something is done. Maybe if I push it away, it helps me move abit, distract...

For sometime, it was so hard its depressing. Maybe it's a phase.

It has been so long nobody ever reads this blog hahahaha. This blog's existence is forgotten by people and even by myself too. Sometimes in life, people tend to forget that life is happening, we forget our existence as we forget existence of others. Sometimes you are swimming in the sea of life, but you are drowned by it without realising. There are waves of changes, one after another, washing away bit by bit parts of yourself. There are storms that come unexpectedly to bring you the sudden splashes and painful lightnings, to give a lesson or a ruthless reminder. Sometimes life slaps you in the face like how the waves crashes the rocks. The one thing is, there's nothing that we do that changes it. So being 17 means SPM is the most ( kinda ) important thing at the moment. It kinda ends already, today ( Biology paper foooyohh) ( hahahaha junwen says bye-logy)(hahahaahhaha)  although 华文 is on next Monday! Please forgive me lord Chinese is so hard it makes people wanna...

hello you. yes you. the one who texted me for so long, i am not sure if you will read this, but, if you do, then yeah..you are pretty mad right now, and i ruined it once again. gosh i shouldn't have done it but damn i feel like crying now. how can i do this to someone as nice as you. I'm really mean,but i don't want the bad things to build up until the point where it explodes, so i had to pull the trigger before it gets even worse.(like a self-bombing terrorist explode before she reach places with more people and cause more damage) looking back to 2011 where it all started i was really confused how can i turn from that to this, today. i wasn't the same person i used to be and i changed. I'm not exactly the same anymore so i couldn't do it anymore. i admit that i am such a bi-ch for doing this.i made promises, and i broke it, i dont wanna continue saying things that lost its meaning sometimes and now i just want to say sorry for ruining everything.i cant sleep ...